Moment by Moment

I told my husband that I hate to write, but here we are. I couldn’t help it. I’ve been struggling since February of how to deal with my feelings. Every since I was told the baby growing in my stomach didn’t have a heartbeat, my life hasn’t been the same. I’ve never felt this kind of hurt. I was truly inconsolable and I didn’t care.

We were only a couple months into the new year and my biggest fear had come true. Me and my husband decided when we first got married that we wanted to wait a couple years to have children so we could learn each other and enjoy our time as a married couple. My only reservation to this idea was that I was 32 and unsure if we would have trouble conceiving.

After 2 years I had my IUD removed and quickly found out I was pregnant a couple months later. We were so excited. We told our family and close friends. I have to admit I had some hesitancy with telling them. I felt a heavy weight on my shoulders. All of a sudden I had to be careful when going to the gym and told I couldn’t lift groceries. It was so annoying. It was like when I got pregnant I turned into a fragile egg.

People would ask me whether I wanted a boy or a girl and I would tell them I just wanted the child to be healthy. I wasn’t lying. I really don’t care about a gender. I want to have both a boy and a girl. However, that was a fear response. I knew it. I was afraid I would have a miscarriage. And that’s exactly what happened. I just wanted to have some sense of a control of the situation.

I chose to pass the fetus at home by taking a medication for 2 days. It was every type of pain you could feel: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. My entire life was shaken. For weeks everything made me cry. Going back to the doctor’s office to confirm everything had passed was the worst. I could hear the congratulations through the walls for other women who heard a heartbeat and I felt hurt and jealousy rise in my spirit. I didn’t want to feel this way. But what else could I do?

I wanted to learn how to manage my emotions so I chose to start seeing a therapist. That was the best decision I could’ve made. I chose a Christian, female therapist who would be able to teach me techniques to navigate my feelings and have hope again. One of the most difficult parts of this process was waiting to get a period again. I felt as though I couldn’t trust my own body.

It wasn’t an easy journey but I was starting to feel like myself again when I found out I was pregnant agin. Due to the initial miscarriage we decided to only tell my personal trainer and my therapist. Telling everyone I was pregnant again felt like a pressure that I didn’t have the capacity to take on again. About 6 weeks go by and it’s time to go to the doctor for an initial visit and check for a heartbeat. I was both shocked and confused by what I saw. Not only was there not a heartbeat, but there wasn’t even a fetus! But how could that be?

Further ultrasounds would raise a suspicion of a molar pregnancy. A what?? I’d never even heard of that before! It turns out that a molar pregnancy is a rare, abnormal pregnancy that happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus, but it’s non-viable. In my case, none of my genetic material was present, only my husband’s. This is considered to be a complete molar pregnancy. This time I had no choice but to have a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) procedure to remove the overgrowth of cells.

Due to the need for genetic testing I couldn’t pass this one at home. Doing so could be a risk to myself and even cause the cells to develop into cancer! As the doctor was reading my results I felt my entire body go numb. It was worse than we had thought. I felt an overwhelming pain and fear rise up from my heart. How did the situation escalate so quickly from pregnancy to surgery all within a matter of days?

Thank God I was able to have the procedure completed within a few days of the diagnosis, but wait and worry were steadily on my mind. I was so scared to have my first surgery, let alone that it came due to another loss in pregnancy. Hurt was probably my biggest emotion. I had wholeheartedly put my trust in God that I would be pregnant. When I saw that positive pregnancy test I believed I had a newfound hope, only for it to be gone again. Either way, I’m so thankful the procedure went well and they removed all the cells they could find. I had heard it was a pretty routine procedure, but you never know what can happen in any situation.

The recovery was very light spotting for 4-5 days and then it was over. Only a couple days later I was supposed to be celebrating my 35th birthday. I hadn’t planned for anything, but my husband did. I was tempted to have him cancel his plans, but I knew in my heart that’s not what I truly wanted. I would regret it. I only wanted to run away and forget the past year of my life.

But since that wasn’t possible I decided to take a different approach to this birthday and just let go. It was the best thing I could’ve done for myself. The results: brunch in Baltimore with yummy waffles, a road trip to New York City to stay in a really nice hotel, dinner on a rooftop with beautiful sights and more yummy food, breakfast at a diner in Queens, and lastly court side tickets to the US Open! I couldn’t have planned it better myself if I tried!

I took so many videos and pictures and truly enjoyed just being in the moment. He even had the nerve to say this could be a regular thing! I geeked out as soon as he said it! To think I would’ve missed out on this beautiful and thoughtful celebration of me it brings me to tears even thinking about it. I have to admit that each day I struggle to hope and believe in a better future than what I see in front of me. But something deep inside (maybe the Holy Spirit) is telling me my future’s looking pretty bright. And like it says in the picture, “Spectacular Awaits”.

I hope you’ll join me along this journey as I’m stepping into the unknown, exploring my feelings and taking in all that God has to offer in this life. My prayer is that this blog will inspire you to take in all your life has to offer, moment by moment.